In praise of what doesn't change

If you look hard, you will identify something wonderful in your kids now that you will see in them forever.

Thalia headed back north at an ungodly Sunday morning hour this week. It required paying a small fortune in Lyft charges to Penn Station, but in the end, saved us an even larger fortune on Amtrak trains departing after 8 A.M.

“You’re heading straight back into St. Patrick’s Day in Boston,” I had cautioned her, laughing. “Just know it’s like a competitive sport there. Like Santacon but with green vomit.”

The first text from her arrived earlier than expected, probably as the train was pulling out of Providence or Rte 128 Station.

nahhh it’s 10am these people need to get off the amtrak 😭
too early to drink wtf

Her texts always give me life.

Later that night she texted me, in no particular order, the Apple Music link to There’s No One As Irish As Barack Obama; a comment about a t-shirt she left behind; and some trivia about The Room, or what she called the best worst movie ever made. We watched it at her insistence and indeed, it may be the best worst movie ever made.

For the rest of our lives, our entire family will quote it every chance we get.

I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! Oh…hi, Mark.

There may even be some family TikTok videos on a private account somewhere. I will say no more.

Before sending Thalia off to college, I spent so much energy thinking about all the things that would change. Our family would change. She would change. I would change.

You know what?

I didn’t even think about what would stay the same.

Gloriously, happily, reassuringly the same.

Photo: Jannis Lucas

While home for spring break, I caught her new safety pin earring, the new interest in salads, the ever-increasing confidence in who she is, and the peaceful acceptance of who she isn’t. But I found just as much joy in the familiar constants.

The way she squeezes her sister and step-siblings with all her might when she first walks in the door. The way she eats her pizza. The way she eats her pancakes. The way a smile takes over her whole face when she sees her grandmother. The way she links her arm into mine when we walk together. The way she’ll silently rest her head against my shoulder in a movie. The quiet snuggling up in my bed, just the two of us, for a Social Media Meme Archive Dump Session in which she scrolls through whatever weirdness is stashed on her phone and either we laugh at the videos or she mocks me for needing it explained and then we laugh at me.

The way she laughs.

This has been a time of a lot of change for me, and if I’m honest, a lot of destabilization. While there’s plenty of value in newness and transformation, however hard, there’s also immense comfort in stability and familiarity — if only a smile you’ve been appreciating for years.

If you have kids in your life, whether they are 10 or 15 or still squarely in the terrible twos when every moment feels like a decade, pay attention. If you look hard, you will identify something wonderful in your kids now that you will see in them forever.

Like a magician saying “Pick a card” and halfway into the show, just when you’ve forgotten about it, the Ace of Diamonds reappears in some unexpected place.

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Gratitude Note

To every one of the paid subscribers here who have stuck with me, even as life has gotten a little crazier and writing got a little slower. I feel so accountable to you, and appreciate you more than you know. And above all, to those incredible Founding Members who have supported me at the highest level: If we haven’t yet had our 15-minute phone/Zoom call, let’s set that up! FYI it will probably go long. I can’t even say goodbyes at a party in fewer than 20 minutes.

Read it Forward

The Queen of Hearts from

Allana Harkin

is now on Substack! She’s an Emmy-award-winning comedic writer and director, who you may recognize as one of the best correspondents on Full Frontal With Sam Bee. She’s just getting started and no doubt you’ll love whatever she writes here.

Kind of Obsessed

1. Sharp, witty food writer Gerardine DeRuiter’s new book If You Can’t Take the Heat: Tales of Food, Feminism & Fury. (You may know her as @theeverywhereist on social.) Still reading, and wow it’s good.

2. On Cool Mom Picks, I’m sharing One Cool Thing every day or so. Most recently, I discovered a cool Etsy shop with perfect, affordable handmade gifts for readers. Just in time for graduations and Mother’s Day.

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