Welcome NYC tourists! Allow me to answer all your subway questions!

See, New Yorkers are helpful and generous that way.

Having spent the past ten days riding a whole lot of subways, I had completely forgotten what happens to the subway system in December. It’s packed!

Visitors to NYC: Welcome! We love you. Please know that.

As I always tell out-of-towners, we’re not rude—we’re just busy and we walk fast. In fact, if you’re new to the City, you will be surprised at how helpful everyone is.

We will happily provide you with directions to the “Freedom Tower” (we think it’s cute when you call it that), Rockefeller Center (just ask for “the tree” and we got you), recommendations for museums, restaurants with kids, the best pizza by the slice, the local diners that will let you use their restroom, and reminders that no, Brooklyn is not “scary” unless you count the price of the mini brie and fig jam baguettes at the French bakery a few blocks down from me.

But if you’re going to take the subway — and you definitely should — there are some things you must know.

So in the spirit of the holiday season, I am gifting you with these very important rules about the NYC subway system.

Don’t worry, it’s not 1979 dystopia down there. (The Warriors)

1. Don’t call it The MTA. No one does that.
   

2. Similarly, don’t call the 2/3 “the red line.” That’s not a thing. Just say “the two-three.” Perfect! You sound like a local already!
   

3. If you’re going to Manhattan from an outer borough (Brooklyn, Queens, The Bronx, don’t worry about the other one) you can ask, “does this train go to the City?” People will make sure you’re on the right platform.
   
   HOWEVER. If you are talking to someone who lives in an outer borough, you can’t suggest that they don’t live in the City. Go with me on this one.
   

4. If all the subway cars are packed and you happen to see one that’s empty, you are not lucky. Do not for any reason get on the empty car. Ever. Trust.
   

5. If you forget rule #4 for some reason, when the doors open there will conveniently be some kind of odor to remind you to race to the adjacent car before the doors close. It’s like nature’s own olfactory plan B for NYC commuters.
   

6. Your giant backpack is super cute! Love it! But I assure you it will be perfectly happy on your lap; it doesn’t need an entire subway seat for itself. Just ask it; it will not complain even one bit.
   

7. I know there’s a lot to see in Times Square station, and that entire row of giant Snoop ads for GrubHub are pretty cool, but please try to look forward while you’re walking, particularly when it’s crowded. I suggest you remember this rule with this easy mnemonic: Walk forward, look forward.
   
   It really is for your own good, and we need you safe and healthy so you can spend lots of money at the American Girl Store.
   

8. Here, we walk on the right. That means you walk up the subway stairs on the right, you walk down (or run down) the subway stairs on the right, and above all, you stand on the escalator on the right. The left is for passing, same as the rules when you drive in your car. (You know, your car? That things you have at home that you get to park for free in your driveway and you don’t have to move it to the other side of the street every Wednesday at 7 AM then back again at 6 PM? That.)
   

9. When you do see people running down the stairs (right or left side) to catch the train, run with them! Don’t slow down! Don’t hesitate like you’re weighing your options, because there really are only two and the one you want to pick is “make the train.”

   

   The running of the 6 train commuters. | Photo: San Fermin Pamplona - Navarra

10. When you are running for a train, just a friendly reminder not to stop until you’re actually on the train. Don’t stop short at the edge of the platform, paralyzed by the DING that indicates the doors are about to close. Because then you’re not on the train, which is the point of running for the train in the first place. You can do this! I believe in you! And so do the four people behind you.
    

11. The busker on the platform who's singing Christmas carols or playing the most beautiful violin or rocking that harmonic? The one you’re taking a video of to post on your social media with a cute little GIF that says I ❤️ NY? Give those artists some money. They are working hard for it. Some of them even had to audition to be able to entertain you so you could entertain your TikTok followers.
    

    

    Taken last night. So talented! And yet…not enough bills in that basket.

12. This may be controversial, but yes, you can make eye contact on the subway—at times. Do it when you smile at the tired mom who somehow got an entire carriage down the steps and onto the subway by herself. Do it when you say “take care” to the veteran asking for food or money. Do it when you stand up to offer your seat to someone who needs it. Especially do it when you realize the person sitting across from you is wearing the same jacket, reading the same book, or carrying the same snake around their neck.
    

13. Don’t even try to understand to any announcements made on the train. If you look around and ask What was he saying? I promise no one is ignoring you…we just don’t know. We speak so many languages in New York, and it’s one of the most beautiful things about living here, but regretfully, no one understands Muffled Train Conductor Though Broken Speakers Installed In 1998.
    
    (Google translate won’t work either, sorry about that!)
    

14. If for some reason you are able to catch a few phrases from the conductor — things like “now running local” or “due to an incident at Penn Station” — no need to panic. Just look down at your phone like everyone else and have faith that somehow, some way, you will make it to the Freedom Tower.
    

15. Santa is right. It’s not free candy.
    

Any rules I’m missing? Any NYC holiday travel advice you need? I’m here for it, and I bet my New York-area readers will be a big help too.

PS Thank you so much for all the kind wishes for my dad. He is getting better in the ways that matter most, but for now, there are more subway trips in my future. At least I have good company waiting for me at the other end.

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