Parenting in the age of insanity
How can we celebrate ________ while ________ is happening in the world?
I want to write about my daughter’s senior prom, and how she set out to look like a princess, in gentle defiance of the current prom dress aesthetic. She had me in tears when she came down the staircase at her friend’s house, stumbling in heels that she’d happily swap for high-top Chuck Taylors, waiting for me to tuck the sprigs of baby’s breath into her hair.
I want to write about the terrifying videos I’m seeing, children my own daughter’s age or younger, sobbing as their parents are torn from them right here in our United States of America — the same country that has forever promised a worldwide welcome guided by a beacon of torchlight from the Mother of Exiles.
The land of the free-for-certain-people-maybe and SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
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I want to write about a final school year coming to a close, the frantic packing (for camp and college all at once!), the family celebrations. And especially the small personal moments of growth that add up to something huge and wonderful. Only the evolution is so subtle, so incremental, you may not even see it until you scroll back four years on your camera roll and pay attention to the changes.
I want to write about faceless, weapon-wielding, violent men in masks, who, with no badges, no warrants, and dubious authority, create an increasing number of headlines about handcuffed democratic leaders, lawmakers, judges. Are we paying attention? Are we paying attention enough?
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I want to write about how I have somehow managed to raise two kids into two critically-thinking adults of voting age. The thoughtful questions they’re asking about the NYC mayoral candidates. The research they’re sharing with me. The dinner table debates. And how this week, for the first time, all three of us get to vote in our primary together — even if we vote differently, which we probably will. Just as it’s supposed to be.
I want to write about the “legal” voter disenfranchisement called gerrymandering, the voter suppression tactics that are becoming more prevalent, the Rockland County vote recount, the one perplexing statement that has been running on a loop in my head since mid-June of 2024: We don’t need votes. We’ve got more votes than anyone’s ever had…We’ve got all the votes!
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I want to write about our changes and plans for the months ahead. My thrilling new job. Tuition payments to (eep) two universities. Plans for semesters abroad and visits with friends at schools in Ireland, Spain, England, Canada, Japan.
I want to write about the fears my kids have of returning to college to find beloved friends missing from their classrooms, stopped at customs and barred from returning for no reason except the “crime” of having been born somewhere else. I want to write about the disturbing (and increasingly less hypothetical) conversations we’re having about burner phones, our rights at airport customs screenings, and reminders of what to write (and not write) in texts or on protest posters or on social media in an age of creeping authoritarianism. Will the words in this post alone, despite a relatively small audience, put me on some nefarious list? Am I on one already?
And if so, will it have been worth it?
I find myself flipping through my camera rolls a lot these days and dissolving into my happiest memories in convenient slideshow form.
A first tooth (boop!) A first day of school photo (boop!) A fourth-grade Glee Club performance (boop!) A spontaneous karaoke show in the living room (boop!) A shoulder ride from Grandpa before the accident (boop!) A photo with the Minions (boop!) A college visit (boop!) A beautiful sunset from our roof (boop!) A Thanksgiving table with four kids together on one side, heads thrown back in laughter, sharing something I’ll never know…
I am filled with joy, with gratitude, with hope for this generation. At the same time, I’m scanning actual headlines about WWIII and thinking about our prepper closet.
The dissonance, my God!
How is this all real? How can both be true at the same time?
How can parents celebrate ________ while ________ is happening in the world?
I think the answer is: How can we not?
Speaking of celebrations worth having, wishing a happy Juneteenth to all!
Excellent piece. The moral reminds me of a 1973 book by Harry Browne, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World, particularly chapter 11, The Burning Issue Trap. This particular trap is believing that we cannot be happy until particular burning issues are resolved. This belief limits our psychological well-being because no burning issues is ever fully resolved. If we refuse to celebrate what we already have because a problem still exists, we will never celebrate. We will never be happy. By all means, join reform movements if you enjoy the process and the contact with like-minded people, writes Harry Browne. But don't make your happiness contingent on solving all of the world's problems, because that will never happen.
This is beautiful. It reminds me of so many milestones and fears with my daughter who just finished freshman year of high school. Thanks for writing this!