Ohhhh thank you for this and the link to Presently. As a lifelong anxious depressive (yes, I’m on meds, and they work… mostly) the “just decide to be happy!” mindset has always irked me. There’s a difference between what you focus on and what you feel. If, for example, I consciously commit to focusing on being grateful, I tend to be happier. But if I tell myself “just feel different!” that… doesn’t work.
As for quotes… my oldest asked me to write “embrace discomfort” for her, and then she got it tattooed on her forearm. Because it’s okay to be uncomfortable (that’s where growth happens!) and uncomfortable isn’t necessarily unhappy. (In leaving you this comment I’m realizing that really, we Americans are just bad at nuance. “Good vibes only” is devoid of nuance. That’s the problem.)
Tl;dr: We can choose where to expend our energy, perhaps even toward an end goal of feeling good, but we cannot choose how we feel. And that’s—as your bracelet says—totally okay.
Mir, thank you for sharing this. Especially for the reminder about the essential connection between gratitude and happiness -- and the point that uncomfortable moments are where the growth happens. I think we're all a little uncomfortable sitting with our discomfort, aren't we? (And I love the story about your kid's tattoo! Especially in your own handwriting. What an honor.)
Thank you for this, Mir. It reminds me of what a therapist told me over 15 years ago and that I still try to tell myself to this day, "I choose learning over comfort."
Inspirational quotes make me crazy! I have a friend, a really good friend, a man I would trust to raise my children who once said to me, "Hey Ceej! You know those Successories posters? Now that's good writing!"
Whenever someone hits me with some treacly inspirational/happiness quote, I always shoot back my favorite Mark Twain saying: "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
Sarcasm and pettiness make me much happier than rainbows and unicorns.
During the 2016 election I was shocked to find how many “Nelson Mandela quotes” were actually things Marianne Williamson said. Which I guess has also been my issue with inspirational quotes. So many things you would roll your eyes at if it was in a greeting card, but if someone you like and respect is credited with saying if it can sway your opinion.
It’s a Stars lyric. But my favourite inspirational phrase is:
Sooo many quotes are misattributed. Remember "wear sunscreen" as being attributed to a commencement address by Kurt Vonnegut? It was a Chicago Tribune columnist, Mary Schmich, who wrote it as a hypothetical speech. That still bugs me.
I love that Stars lyric. I wasn't familiar with it -- thank you so much for writing it here.
The journey “Wear Sunscreen” went on! The Tribune, to Kurt Vonnegut at MIT, to that Baz Luhrmann “song.”
The Stars song is called Hold on When You Get Love and Let Go When You Give It. If you ever need a boost and have 4 minutes, highly recommend watching the video. (Does recommending music videos make me elderly? Lol)
I’m a self-proclaimed good-quote harlot but in solid Virgo/mom/teacher form, I analyze them to pieces (and check sources) before taking to heart & sharing.
I love your + Presently’s smart takes here, thank you. And yes, any chirpy snippets from Kate Spade especially hit hard in the gut, all wrong.
P.S. Emily McDowell’s work helped our family live better/lighter (? there is no good word) during my son’s lymphoma treatment summer a few years ago; she is a marvelous genius.
Liz! Thank you so much for featuring my work here -- it's an honor, particularly as a fellow hater of "good vibes only." This was the thinking behind Em & Friends' Empathy Cards -- hey, let's create cards for hard situations that don't alienate the suffering person by bright-siding them or imply that their grief/fear/anger/sadness is wrong! It sounds like the biggest DUH in 2023, but 10 years ago it was groundbreaking. I look at this shift as evidence things are changing -- irritatingly slowly, as evidenced by the multiple screens of GOOD VIBES ONLY IG stickers in your post -- but my hope is that as we get more comfortable talking about hard and complex emotions, and we teach/model this for the next generation, that in the future, the imperative to JUST BE HAPPY (as if this is the cause of happiness) will seem as antiquated as the "Alive with pleasure!" cigarette ads from the 70s. :)
Emily, thanks for your comment! You inspire (ahem) me all the time. You can absolutely take credit for putting more honesty out in the world, including your story about how tough the journey was. By the way, I still have my "Spoke My Mind" Everyday Bravery Award charm attached to my keys. (Though if you ever bring them back, I would totally add "Alive with Pleasure" to the ring.)
Oh, wow did this ever resonate with me! I know often times these phrases are used in a well-meaning way, but so much toxic positivity takes its toll, doesn't it? I'll take a hard truth over a fluffy feel-good sentiment any day. Maybe that's the Gen X in me or maybe it's because I am finally strong enough to know the difference between a platitude and something with a meaningful application in my life. No judgment to anyone who wants to embrace the whole "happiness is a choice" way of thinking I'm just comforted to know I'm not alone in my thinking.
"Maybe that's the Gen X in me or maybe it's because I am finally strong enough to know the difference between a platitude and something with a meaningful application in my life." Perfect, Catherine. And it's probably both.
My all time favorite quote: “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ― Herm Albright
This is crazy thst you posted this today, because earlier I was thinking about a quote that goes "Happiness is a choice." Um..no, it's not. Have you ever tried to be happy in the midst of absolute devastation? I've never met anyone who's accomplished that. I believe that you can choose your attitude, you can choose to be grateful about at least one thing in a day, but gah...I hate that quite so much because I think it could really set someone up for quite a bit of misery. Quotes are awesome until they're not. My personal favorite quote is from a nurse that was checking my vitals about 4 or so years ago, during one of the worst times of my life: "You don't have to give every thought a home. Some of them are terrible house guests."
Thank you for this. It brought to mind Barbara Ehrenreich's book "Bright Sided". The whole Idea that the only thing standing in your way towards happiness is you, is just so abusive. Sometimes I just need to feel cranky and sad.
I love those days that I can just look up at my family and say listen, I’m having a cranky day. Give me a little space. (also I love having the kind of family who allowed me to do that.)
It took me so many years before I could do that, but it makes a huge difference, and getting to acknowledge that I feel cranky makes me feel less cranky.
Can I recommend Nora McInerny's book Bad Vibes Only? It's a wide ranging collection of essays you'd enjoy and in the intro she muses on just how unhelpful that phrase is.
Interesting read! The good-vibes-only expression reminds me of the everything-is-awesome teens. Or it could sound like something I wrote in a junior high yearbook. With my kids, and other people I spend time with, I try to be as neutral about feelings as I can, so there’s space for a full range without pressure to go in any direction. Feelings are too complicated to be summed up in a cute quote even for one person, on one day, much less the culture at large.
"There but for the grace of God go I" actively enrages me (because, uh, what you're really saying is that the person experiencing a terrible thing *doesn't* have God's grace and wtf is that all about), but the one that really got me was when someone said to me that my then 17 month old brother had died because "God loved him so much he wanted him back sooner." At 10 years old, I was so stunned with the stupidity and insensitivity of that statement that I was literally speechless (I do realize now that people just don't know what to say to grieving children, but again, wtf).
... Europeans have always thought that Americans 'smile too much'. I agree.
I once had a man, a stranger at my job, telling me to smile! (surprise surprise, a man- plus: POSITIVITY!) I looked at him intensely, "you're so much prettier when you smile" he continued... All that I could think, as a response, was the truth: "what if something really bad has just happened to me?" He wasn't going to get his anticipated response from me, thus he left. Mission accomplished.
Well now, the "smile more" discussion -- that's a whooooole other post. You might even check out Tatyana Fazlalizadeh's book called (drumroll) Stop Telling Women to Smile. https://stoptellingwomentosmile.com
Ohhhh thank you for this and the link to Presently. As a lifelong anxious depressive (yes, I’m on meds, and they work… mostly) the “just decide to be happy!” mindset has always irked me. There’s a difference between what you focus on and what you feel. If, for example, I consciously commit to focusing on being grateful, I tend to be happier. But if I tell myself “just feel different!” that… doesn’t work.
As for quotes… my oldest asked me to write “embrace discomfort” for her, and then she got it tattooed on her forearm. Because it’s okay to be uncomfortable (that’s where growth happens!) and uncomfortable isn’t necessarily unhappy. (In leaving you this comment I’m realizing that really, we Americans are just bad at nuance. “Good vibes only” is devoid of nuance. That’s the problem.)
Tl;dr: We can choose where to expend our energy, perhaps even toward an end goal of feeling good, but we cannot choose how we feel. And that’s—as your bracelet says—totally okay.
Mir, thank you for sharing this. Especially for the reminder about the essential connection between gratitude and happiness -- and the point that uncomfortable moments are where the growth happens. I think we're all a little uncomfortable sitting with our discomfort, aren't we? (And I love the story about your kid's tattoo! Especially in your own handwriting. What an honor.)
Yep, I was so touched she wanted that in my hand. That kid's alright. ;)
You did good, mama!
Thank you for this, Mir. It reminds me of what a therapist told me over 15 years ago and that I still try to tell myself to this day, "I choose learning over comfort."
Inspirational quotes make me crazy! I have a friend, a really good friend, a man I would trust to raise my children who once said to me, "Hey Ceej! You know those Successories posters? Now that's good writing!"
Whenever someone hits me with some treacly inspirational/happiness quote, I always shoot back my favorite Mark Twain saying: "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
Sarcasm and pettiness make me much happier than rainbows and unicorns.
But wait! I love sarcasm and I love unicorns and I love rainbows. Sometimes all in one place!
During the 2016 election I was shocked to find how many “Nelson Mandela quotes” were actually things Marianne Williamson said. Which I guess has also been my issue with inspirational quotes. So many things you would roll your eyes at if it was in a greeting card, but if someone you like and respect is credited with saying if it can sway your opinion.
It’s a Stars lyric. But my favourite inspirational phrase is:
Take the weakest thing in you
And then beat the bastards with it
And always hold on when you get love
So you can let go when you give it
But I’m biased. They are my favourite band.
Sooo many quotes are misattributed. Remember "wear sunscreen" as being attributed to a commencement address by Kurt Vonnegut? It was a Chicago Tribune columnist, Mary Schmich, who wrote it as a hypothetical speech. That still bugs me.
I love that Stars lyric. I wasn't familiar with it -- thank you so much for writing it here.
The journey “Wear Sunscreen” went on! The Tribune, to Kurt Vonnegut at MIT, to that Baz Luhrmann “song.”
The Stars song is called Hold on When You Get Love and Let Go When You Give It. If you ever need a boost and have 4 minutes, highly recommend watching the video. (Does recommending music videos make me elderly? Lol)
One of my quotes is misattributed on some graphic that will forever live on the internet to... Christopher Walken??? The best. The worst. IDK.
I mean, it’s kind of the worst but is it better to be a message to be there to someone great or somebody awful?
Sarcastic Unicorns would be a great name for a band!
Love it! (I can play tambourine. Maybe.)
I’m a self-proclaimed good-quote harlot but in solid Virgo/mom/teacher form, I analyze them to pieces (and check sources) before taking to heart & sharing.
I love your + Presently’s smart takes here, thank you. And yes, any chirpy snippets from Kate Spade especially hit hard in the gut, all wrong.
P.S. Emily McDowell’s work helped our family live better/lighter (? there is no good word) during my son’s lymphoma treatment summer a few years ago; she is a marvelous genius.
She is a gift. And truly hope your son is doing better, Stephanie. ❤️
We’re almost at 5 years in remission, and he got married July 1. ☺️ thank you
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much, Stephanie. So happy to hear he's in remission and newly married, too! <3
Liz! Thank you so much for featuring my work here -- it's an honor, particularly as a fellow hater of "good vibes only." This was the thinking behind Em & Friends' Empathy Cards -- hey, let's create cards for hard situations that don't alienate the suffering person by bright-siding them or imply that their grief/fear/anger/sadness is wrong! It sounds like the biggest DUH in 2023, but 10 years ago it was groundbreaking. I look at this shift as evidence things are changing -- irritatingly slowly, as evidenced by the multiple screens of GOOD VIBES ONLY IG stickers in your post -- but my hope is that as we get more comfortable talking about hard and complex emotions, and we teach/model this for the next generation, that in the future, the imperative to JUST BE HAPPY (as if this is the cause of happiness) will seem as antiquated as the "Alive with pleasure!" cigarette ads from the 70s. :)
Emily, thanks for your comment! You inspire (ahem) me all the time. You can absolutely take credit for putting more honesty out in the world, including your story about how tough the journey was. By the way, I still have my "Spoke My Mind" Everyday Bravery Award charm attached to my keys. (Though if you ever bring them back, I would totally add "Alive with Pleasure" to the ring.)
Oh, wow did this ever resonate with me! I know often times these phrases are used in a well-meaning way, but so much toxic positivity takes its toll, doesn't it? I'll take a hard truth over a fluffy feel-good sentiment any day. Maybe that's the Gen X in me or maybe it's because I am finally strong enough to know the difference between a platitude and something with a meaningful application in my life. No judgment to anyone who wants to embrace the whole "happiness is a choice" way of thinking I'm just comforted to know I'm not alone in my thinking.
"Maybe that's the Gen X in me or maybe it's because I am finally strong enough to know the difference between a platitude and something with a meaningful application in my life." Perfect, Catherine. And it's probably both.
My all time favorite quote: “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ― Herm Albright
Ha, I love it!
This is crazy thst you posted this today, because earlier I was thinking about a quote that goes "Happiness is a choice." Um..no, it's not. Have you ever tried to be happy in the midst of absolute devastation? I've never met anyone who's accomplished that. I believe that you can choose your attitude, you can choose to be grateful about at least one thing in a day, but gah...I hate that quite so much because I think it could really set someone up for quite a bit of misery. Quotes are awesome until they're not. My personal favorite quote is from a nurse that was checking my vitals about 4 or so years ago, during one of the worst times of my life: "You don't have to give every thought a home. Some of them are terrible house guests."
That quote is a gift. Amazing.
Thank you for this. It brought to mind Barbara Ehrenreich's book "Bright Sided". The whole Idea that the only thing standing in your way towards happiness is you, is just so abusive. Sometimes I just need to feel cranky and sad.
I love those days that I can just look up at my family and say listen, I’m having a cranky day. Give me a little space. (also I love having the kind of family who allowed me to do that.)
It took me so many years before I could do that, but it makes a huge difference, and getting to acknowledge that I feel cranky makes me feel less cranky.
"Embrace the discomfort" - very much this!
Can I recommend Nora McInerny's book Bad Vibes Only? It's a wide ranging collection of essays you'd enjoy and in the intro she muses on just how unhelpful that phrase is.
We were the second person to recommend that so now I definitely have to read it. Thanks, Mary!
Interesting read! The good-vibes-only expression reminds me of the everything-is-awesome teens. Or it could sound like something I wrote in a junior high yearbook. With my kids, and other people I spend time with, I try to be as neutral about feelings as I can, so there’s space for a full range without pressure to go in any direction. Feelings are too complicated to be summed up in a cute quote even for one person, on one day, much less the culture at large.
Well said.
Can’t say much that hasn’t been said here. I’ve been one to get stuck on a phrase that’s supposed to lift or inspire but just makes me feel less than.
Isn’t that the catch? Positive sayings that make one feel bad through no fault of their own.
"There but for the grace of God go I" actively enrages me (because, uh, what you're really saying is that the person experiencing a terrible thing *doesn't* have God's grace and wtf is that all about), but the one that really got me was when someone said to me that my then 17 month old brother had died because "God loved him so much he wanted him back sooner." At 10 years old, I was so stunned with the stupidity and insensitivity of that statement that I was literally speechless (I do realize now that people just don't know what to say to grieving children, but again, wtf).
... Europeans have always thought that Americans 'smile too much'. I agree.
I once had a man, a stranger at my job, telling me to smile! (surprise surprise, a man- plus: POSITIVITY!) I looked at him intensely, "you're so much prettier when you smile" he continued... All that I could think, as a response, was the truth: "what if something really bad has just happened to me?" He wasn't going to get his anticipated response from me, thus he left. Mission accomplished.
Well now, the "smile more" discussion -- that's a whooooole other post. You might even check out Tatyana Fazlalizadeh's book called (drumroll) Stop Telling Women to Smile. https://stoptellingwomentosmile.com