My heart was at the Hands Off protests, but I was not.
A message to those who couldn't be there. And a message to those who were.
A few weeks ago, Sage ran into my room to ask if I could spend the day with her at the Accepted Students Day at one of her top two college choices.
“Of course!” I said, without even thinking of the date:
April 5.
I spent the past week grappling with my decision: Lending my voice (and a yet-to-be-written though undoubtedly wildly clever sign) to one of the most important causes of my lifetime. Or, lending my support to my daughter to help her with one of the most important decisions of her own lifetime.
We decided we would do both.
We planned to spend the day at the school, leave a little early to make our way to a Hands Off rally I found in a nearby town, change our clothes and grab our signs and buttons and umbrellas, and make our voices heard in another community before heading to visit my mom for dinner.
It was the perfect plan.
It did not work out.
At all.
The campus visit was too important and the events too engaging to leave the school early, and the rain and ensuing traffic conspired to keep us from getting anywhere quickly afterwards.
I don’t regret the choice even for a second. But the FOMO was very real for me.
It was so strange not to be involved in such a huge moment of collective activism. In an effort to be present, I didn’t follow along on my phone, I didn’t click over to see friends’ photos, I didn’t amplify my favorite signs and messages from the event.
When we finally made it to the warm, dry, fresh-pair-of-socks comfort of my mom’s living room, the first thing I saw when I clicked open social media was a sign that said something like, If you don’t bother to show up, don’t bother to complain.
It hit hard.
I felt the FOMO but…shame?
Was that for me?
Is the algorithm reading our minds now?
(I mean, probably…but that’s another issue.)
The point of the sign is well-taken; I’ve thought the same thing at times.
But ouch.
Later, I got a message from an activist friend who also couldn’t make it to her local Hands Off rally. She reminded me:
What’s most important is that we try to show up and do good work every day.
I needed to hear that.
Not every absence can be attributed to apathy — something I would also be wise to remember myself. People have family and caregiver responsibilities, health limitations, restrictive disabilities, work obligations, crowd anxiety, and perfectly legitimate fears of personal or professional repercussions that they cannot afford at this time.
Do good work every day.
I thought immediately of good marriages and relationships, and how they are not defined by the gushy card you get once a year on your anniversary, the surprise party on your 40th birthday, or the requisite bouquets that arrive on Valentine’s Day.
Relationships are made strong because of how you behave every other day of the year.
Relationships are about how you treat each other on a random Tuesday night. How you apologize when you were testy after a tough day and you mean it. How you each see something around the house that needs doing so you just do it. How you say, “You had a long night, go back to sleep. I’ll get the kids off to school.”
Relationships are made strong in the big and small ways you continue to support each other, grow together, and keep love present.
The strongest relationships are the ones you care enough to fight for. Maybe we should think about our relationship with the country we love this same way.
If you don’t like the direction our country is headed, please know that there is so much to be done every day, whatever your political affiliation, and whether or not you can attend a protest or a march. (Though there will of course be more protests and organized events if you too have caught the FOMO.)
For those who did protest:
Ignore the cynics insisting that 5mm+ people showing up in 1200 locations across all 50 states plus cities around the world changes nothing. They lie. What you did mattered.
A protest may be your gateway drug (a healthy one!) to activism, engagement, running for office, or simply voting in more primaries and important down-ballot races.
Protests create essential connections with like-minded people who help keep hope alive by reminding you that you are definitely are not alone. (Garrett Bucks wrote beautifully about this and it’s worth reading.)
Protests are a demonstration of collective power, creating impact that can spread quickly and grow exponentially.
Protests remind our allies around the world not to confuse the actions of our current government with the will of our people.
Protests remind brands and businesses and media conglomerates that hey, maybe doing the right thing in the face of adversity can work out in your best interest.
Protests create an abundance of RESPAIR, a wonderful, new-to-me word that means reigniting your hope and faith despite the anguish of the moment.
Clearly I’m a protest fan! And I’m extraordinarily grateful to those of you who showed up in your communities — like my mom and my stepdad — to give the Hands Off protests the front-page headlines they deserved. You gave voice to tens of millions more.
But I hope we can remember that there is so much we can all do to make things better for all of us. There is so much we can do to keep this movement going and to stay on the right side of history, whether or not it involves getting out on the streets with signs and bullhorns.
Just please: Pick something.
Or as my friend put it:
Show up.
Do good work.
Every day is another chance.
Related:
I am angry. SO angry. Let's get angry together.
Those of us who took Psych 101 (and beyond) learned that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of death and grief start with denial, move onto anger, then bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance — although the order is not generally linear.
We can't get overwhelmed.
If you see yourself as a caring, empathic person who believes in good governance, civil rights, and the importance of voting in reasonably ethical leaders, it’s been a rough 72 hours.
The people who say "If you don’t bother to show up, don’t bother to complain" are going to be the people who make others who WANT to support their efforts stop trying...and that will be the downfall of our efforts.
Everyone does what they can in their own way to make change. IMHO, the person who made that sign is no better than the MAGA people who tried to stir up trouble on Saturday. They are pushing away and denigrating efforts that could benefit all with their holier than thou attitude.
I was supposed to go, planned to go, and ended up in the emergency room with a friend who had an accident. Does that mean I stop calling my reps, sending letters, etc? I don't believe that is their intended outcome but for many people, that will be their response.
My feeling on activism (and really, life in general) is that each action is one moment, which is both important in and of itself *and* not solely indicative of who we are and how we show up. Your heart is in this continually, Liz. And that's the fight we need.