Hate doesn't get to win.
First we get mad. Then we get motivated. Here are some actions we can take in memory of Nex Benedict.
After nearly 20 years in the non-anonymous online space, I’ve come to learn a few things about hateful, combative, negative comments that have no purpose but to provoke and hurt.
Five Things
One
I’m pretty fast to delete and block. No regrets. the sooner I do that, the faster I forget that person even exists.
Two
Buuuut I’m not above writing a half-dozen snappy comebacks in my head. Sometimes I even type them out…then stop just before hitting publish. It’s not worth my energy to draw attention to the troll, because then more of us will put our energy toward the negativity and then that’s on me.
Three
Anonymous commenters hiding behind generic avatars, locked accounts, and fake names don’t generally deserve any attention, or any benefit of the doubt.
Four
Hurt people hurt people.
Five
It’s hard for me to care just how hurt you are if you are pathologically cruel, and I lose all sympathy if you attempt to use my platforms as a launching pad for your vileness.
Yesterday
I followed the unfolding story of Nex Benedict and my heart just shattered. A smiling 16-year-old kid. A kid that looks like all of my kids’ friends — and probably would have been one. A kid who was just trying to live as their true self amongst people who didn’t get them. Adults who didn’t protect them. Politicians who failed them utterly in every way.
I will see this face forever.
Today
I woke up this morning to a comment from a woman on Instagram who mocked a child’s death.
On my feed. Under my words.
A woman who posted “LMAO” and three laughing emojis under a post about protecting vulnerable kids like Nex.
A woman who loves Jesus and heavy Snapchat filters, the beach and our troops and Elf on the Shelf and pink hearts and quotes like “friends and family are everything.”
I don’t get it.
Because it took me about 3 seconds to learn that you have a 16-year-old in your life who you love. Just like Nex was loved.
I am not a praying person, but I will never understand how someone who posts about your big Jesus-loving heart and your generous spirit and kindness and kittens and the loving warmth of your all-seeing god — can laugh at the death of a child.
If there is a heaven, I don’t think that is your best path there.
On a better day, I would hope you grow to see things differently. I would hope you come to find your humanity somewhere, somehow, And I hope nothing like that ever happens to a child you love. I hope you never suffer like Nex, like Nex’s friends and family, like the millions of us who have spent the last 24 hours scared and furious and utterly broken-hearted. I hope that no one ever LMAOs at you at your worst moment.
You got me today, troll.
I broke my rule; I dedicated energy to thinking about you.
But you know what?
It made me stronger. It made me more motivated.
It just made you uglier.
Hate doesn’t get to win.
Here’s a list of organizations supporting trans kids around the country right now, updated from this post written by my friend Christina that focused more on Texas-based reousrces. I hope you’ll pick one and send some support their way: A donation, a social media follow, a post reshare.
Or maybe just send the list to someone in your life who just might need their help. As I wrote yesterday, we all have LGBTQ young adults in our lives — our own children, their cousins, their friends, their neighbors. their classmates.
Even if you don’t know it, you do.
National Organizations Supporting The Trans Community:
Trans Lifeline / 877-565-8860
Trans Student Educational Resources
Trans Youth Equality Foundation
The Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law
TGIJP Black Trans Cultural Center
Asia Pacific Transgender Network
National Black Trans Advocacy Coalition
The National Center for Transgender Equality
Oklahoma-Based Organizations Supporting the Trans Community
The Diversity Center of Oklahoma
Let’s do some good.
I'm sharing this here because it's safe. Not many people in my family support me. I'm a foster parent. I adopted my son 2 years ago from foster care. He has a lot of needs, so my timeline is to wait to open my home back up for another 8-10 years or so. But when I do, I want to foster transgender kids. I want them to have a place that's safe and accepting. Right now, I have a social worker who I love that lets me know when non-binary kids come into the system, and I buy clothes and hygiene products for the kids. I wish I could take them in now, but like I said, my 4 year old currently has too many needs. One day, though, I will make this happen. I will be able to protect kids like Nex.
How can people like that exist without their heads exploding from the cognitive dissonance? I will never NEVER understand. To go to all the effort of hating on a kid. Just...NEVER 😿